Thank You

Note: based on facts, imagination, delusion, hallucination, psychological drama, and impulse

She smiled her usual tight-lipped smile as she listened to his worries. She thought to herself that he worried too much about her being alone. He was going on and on about expanding her social circle and going out more as if her situation was a serious illness that required an immediate cure. She just listened, but the question lingered in her mind, "why was he so concerned?". One thought is, maybe he is making himself unnecessarily responsible for her predicament. If he was dwelling on the last conversation about the possibility of her developing emotional attachment to him, then maybe he wanted her to find somebody for that emotional attachment when they both knew that they can be nothing more than friends. Maybe it occurred to him that her focus on him was hurting her chances of finding a fitting someone. He was always guarded the past weeks, always conscious about his words and actions towards her so as not to make her have any false hopes. She had told him that this was no longer an issue. She had already handled the situation. That he need not think about it anymore but still, maybe it was not enough explanation for him as it was for her. She wanted his company not for anything more than to have an open conversation. She was an open book around him. To ask more would be too abusive already. Another thought crossed her mind, maybe he was just excited about his new-found social network at work and he wanted her to experience that same excitement. This was just like him, to be sensitive about her well-being. That was one of things that she liked about him.

She sighed in resignation to his bantering and just said "fine." She was trying hard to find an easy explanation for him to stop his worries. The idea of being alone is so alien to most people that a conscious decision to be alone for a lifetime, at least in the area of romantic relations, is just so impossible to fathom. She was thinking along the line of explaining the difference between "alone" and "lonely" and that she was alone but not lonely. She was bored and not sad. She smiled a little knowing that even at the start of the explanation he would say "you're being too serious again!". She would stop explaining since there was just no way to explain this in a simple manner. They would shift to another lighter topic and leave the previous topic hanging.

The conversations always ended like that. His wishes for her to be happy and her expressions of gratitude and wish that he would do the same. She genuinely wished him well. He is such a great friend in so many ways. Maybe in more ways than her gratitude can express. It was thanks to him that the former empty shell is starting to awaken those ancient emotions. She already had something to share, at least, if he finally succeeds in pushing her out of her comfort zone. She thought, maybe it was time to heed his advice and go look for somebody sane enough to want to be a willing host for her emotional attachment. This was easier anyway than trying to explain such complicated things.

Hair Trouble

A quote says "a woman's crowning glory is her hair". What does that even mean? I have unmanageable hair. Does that mean I have no glory. Perhaps I have disheveled glory.
Regardless, I made the effort to keep my mane under control. I have straight and fine hair but growing hair defy the law of gravity. Two to three inches of newly grown hair shoot out in every direction like weeds. I've had this since I was younger so it does not bother me that much anymore. But in the interest of public service, I know I still have to make my hair presentable.

Here are the things I tried that did not work:

1. Combs
Round Brush, Rectangular Brush, Cheap Brush, Expensive Brush
Fine-tooth Comb, Wide-tooth Comb, Ordinary Comb, Cheap Comb, Expensive Comb

2. Devices & Implements
Hair Dryer (works until the wind blows)
Hair Iron (does not reach the roots)

3. Shampoo & Conditioner
All brands from Unilever, Proctor & Gamble, Colgate-Palmolive
Other Local Brands
Imported brands
Plain Shampoo
Shampoo with a separate conditioner
Shampoo and conditioner combined

4. Other Hair Products
Gels
Hair Wax
Pomade (eeew)

5. Hair Treatments
Hot oil
Hair Spa
Rebond (I wish I spent the money on clothes instead)

6. Hair Accessories (to hide the situation)
Hairband
Clips
Hairpin
Cap

7. Hair Cut
Long (up to my waist with the hope that the weight would bring down standing hair)
Boyish Haircut
Ear Length
Shoulder Length
Layered
Straight

8. Hair Style
Hair Parted in the Middle
Hair Parted to the Side
Braids
Ponytail
Semi-ponytail

Let's see, I haven't tried perming my hair or cutting it really short as in nearly skinhead. But I have yet to muster my courage to do these things.

Oh, I just thought of another option. Why not make Einstein's hair the "in" thing. In that way my hair is in fashion and I don't have to do anything else. The Genius look! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Night

Every time I close my eyes, I am pulled into a void. I feel my consciousness sucked into a vortex of blackness pulling me inside. Whenever, I feel close to being engulfed by the darkness, I pull back. I fear that succumbing to the darkness may never bring me back to the light.

Afternoon

Such a confusing afternoon. It's inevitable if you're dealing with something new. The brain stops for a while after realizing lack of familiarity with the thing. Staring at the thing for a long time builds some familiarity and then the brain starts working again to identify what to do with the thing. There are different interpretations and options to chose from. One seems viable and then you consider the thing again and it does not seem right and then another option appears. The process goes back to stop and stare.

The weather also sided with me. The sun was brightly shining. Then strong rains fell. Clouds covered the sun but the rain stops abruptly. The sun peeks out again. Then it was shining and raining at the same time. Even nature is confused about what to do. Global warming is taking its toll.

Morning

I usually wake up to the sound of my mobile phone alarm. That sound marks the start of my pretty much routine daily schedule. It bores me sometimes...well most of the time now. I'm surprised I haven't died from boredom yet. I always considered myself a free spirit and being tied down to this boring routine is just plain unsatisfying. It frustrates me sometimes and it takes effort to restrain myself and think rationally. I dream of breaking through the barriers of what I can do, the places I can be, the person I can become...to realize more than what is expected of me. But I am tied down to this routine. I guess other things have to wait for a while. (sigh!) I hope I don't get too impatient though. It is not only for myself that I am tied to a routine. It's also for the people I love.

Today is a different day. I know. I woke up to a pleasant sound. It was a piano rendition of Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting. It was Jake practicing his piano upstairs. The bright sun was already peeking inside my room. I loathed the heat of global warming and smug but I love the sun. I am a Leo after all. I listened to the piano for a while until it stopped. The air was also getting warm. It's time to get up. I have work to do. But waking up is much harder to do when I slept late. I usually don't sleep late. I value my sleep and I rarely sacrifice sleep. I had not realized the time until I felt the air getting gold and I realized it was already 2 in the morning so off to sleep then.

My sister's new hobby or as she puts it "new indulgence" is reading books. She mentioned Twilight Saga to me by Stephenie Meyer as the "in" book but she could not find a softbound copy in Baguio. I was off to the mall on Saturday so I picked up a copy of the first book Twilight for her. My first impression was of a teenybopper love story but it was about vampires. There's something about vampires that fascinated me and although I knew that vampires in movies would probably not come close to the real thing, I still watch vampire movies. I had work to do so I left the book on the couch and faced my computer.

After finishing work in the afternoon, my eyes were dry and I needed to rest from exposure to much radiation. I closed the computer, took a bite, and bathed. After that, I settled on the couch to watch but I was bored with the predictable story lines so I started the book. What do you know, I was still reading until 2 am. I won't get into the details of the book but I was engrossed in the open and sincere conversations. It was as if the fictional characters were real. I just know I have to buy the sequel.

Its one of those great mornings for me. I hope it ends well.

Music Collaborations

I'm a fan of music collaborations. No matter what the genre is, the result always turns out to be a treat for music lovers. I have three favorites.

1. Greenday/Oasis/Travis/Aerosmith/Eminem

The group fused Boulevard of Broken Dreams of Greenday and Wonderwall of Oasis. Although there was an issue between Greenday and Oasis, with Noel Gallagher of Oasis accusing Greenday of stealing the arrangement of Wonderwall for the collaboration, the result was great. By the way this form of collaboration is called "mashup" that combines music with the acapella of other artists.

This caught my ear because these are my favorite bands/artist. The arrangement and beat is artistically unique, which is the mark of timeless music. For me, the music should sound great before I take interest in the lyrics or the artist. Hey its rock, need I say more! You have to listen to this to understand what I mean.

2. U2/Mary J. Blige

U2 and May J. Blige sang U2's One in a fundraising concert for the benefit of the people affected by Hurricane Katrina. As always these artists, who are staunch advocates for social awareness, delivered a moving performance. Mary J. Blige's strong voice complemented Bono's soothing voice. U2's lyrics for One reflected mounting global issues (AIDS, poverty, natural calamities, civil strife) and the solution is love.

Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is the higher law

3. Mariah Carey/Beyonce/ Mary J. Blige/ Rihanna/ Fergie/ Sheryl Crow/ Melissa Etheridge/ Natasha Bedingfield/ Miley Cyrus/ Leona Lewis/Carrie Underwood/ Keyshia Cole/LeAnn Rimes/Ashanti/Ciara

The group released Just Stand Up as the artists' contribution to the Stand Up to Cancer telethon to raise the people's awareness of cancer as well as raise funds and give moral support for those bravely fighting cancer patients who may not have money for treatment or social support. Two striking phrases are:

Everything will be alright, yeah
The heart is stronger than you think
Like it can go through anything
And even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don’t give up
Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what, don’t give up
Through it all, just stand up

The song brought together artists from the pop, R&B, rock and country genres. The result is an invigorating, relaxing and uplifting music. I love it! This relieves stress!

Listless

I know I'll totally get over it in time. That's a certainty. But that stinging emotion hits me once in a while. It wavers my direction and focus. But its all part of the process of shedding. I just have to bear it until it passes.

Its been a while since I freed myself of the illusion. To let go without looking back. Move ahead without regret. Knowing it will be for the best. All will be well. I will find my place.

It was not at all easy. Pain is a heavy burden to carry. Loss crashes down on you. Frustration creeps up.

Rationale withers somehow but reality always catches up. There is no point in holding on to something borrowed. It will only be a matter of time before its return. Persistence would just lead to waste. Waste of one's self.

I have not lived enough. There's no point in wasting myself. I'm standing up and moving forward. Despite the pull, I will never look back.

Subsidies Anyone

Note: Subsidies are forms of assistance and/or incentives that decrease cost for consumers.

You might me be thinking, what the hell is interesting about subsidies that warrant attention.
It is pretty interesting if you are the recipient of subsidies.


I was able to reach my lowest possible electricity consumption of 50 KWH by plugging only my computer, television, and fan for a month. This translated into 205.65 pesos as the payable amount. I was shocked because I expected double the amount. The 50 percent discount was due to subsidies amounting to 189. 75 pesos. This means that without subsidies I would have paid 395.90 pesos or more with price adjustments.

Subsidies or lifeline rates are incentives given to people with minimal electricity consumption in a month. I got my reward! It was timely because of rising prices and decreased income augmentation opportunities.

It may be hard to maintain this level of consumption but I would surely try to gain subsidies. December is fast approaching and it would be grand to have extra money to spend.

Child Psychology

Note: This is a sequel to the puncher story.


There are characteristics unique to children.
It's something that most of us have outgrown (or not).
But it's also something that we recognize.

The two younger siblings of the "puncher girl" hanged out at my pad.
This time, their computer broke down and the older sibling needed to do an assignment.
Later the younger sibling joined us.

Curiosity is one typical characteristic of children.
They can ask you a ton of questions that could last you a lifetime answering.
In a span of a few hours they knew more information about me and my life than anybody else.
The information I had to spill ranged from where I went to school, to the contents of my fridge and the scent I use in my bathroom, to why I live by myself.
Children make persistent investigators and they can get away with it because, hey!, they are kids.

We had chips and soda as snack, which they heartily enjoyed.
It was apparent they rarely eat junk food (Oops!).
Thanks to me, they now include junk food in their diet.
After finishing up, the younger sibling sitting on the sofa engaged me in conversation.
While she was excitedly telling a story, I observed that she was patting my cloth sofa cover with her hands.
After satisfying herself, she stood up and started walking around.
I realized her hands were clean after transferring all the cheese residue in her hands to my sofa cover.
Luckily it was not moist and it came off easily.
At least it was cheese and not anything gross.
I should teach her skills in wiping her hands in sofa covers or curtains stealthily, to avoid detection by adults, which I mastered as a child.

Well children are children.

Dry Spell

Temperatures continue to rise due to global warming.

Global warming is a phenomenon with the rapid accumulation of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere trapping the sun’s heat, making temperatures warmer.

Ice caps in the north and south poles melt, flooding low-lying areas.

Other regions experience heat waves.

The heat also extremely changes weather patterns resulting to excessive rainfall in some regions and severe dry weather in other regions.

Living in the Pacific meant dealing with intense heat.

The warm air makes it difficult to breath.

Heat waves appear in the horizon.

Cracked earth makes life impossible to bud.

Soil becomes dust.

Parched earth desperately awaits the rain.

Baring Myself---%--@

Looking back, I had a good sense of what I want and did not want.
I don't know how I came to know, I just knew.

When I was eight, I had a very good idea of what I wanted to do.
I wanted to die.
I just wanted to die.
Those were the years of discontent and frustration.
I realized then that my father left us for good.
Life was f------ hard.
I used to sit on a wooden bench outside the house at sundown wishing for the cold wind to just freeze me to death and make a beautiful monument of me.
I was determined to die in December when the temperature drops down to 7 degrees.
I would sit there for hours until I realized the weather was not cold enough to do this.

When I was ten, I also had a clear idea of what I did not want (or who I did not want).
There was this persistent boy.
He would follow my friends and me during recess to wherever we set off to.
He was there during lunchtime.
He was there when we play after classes.
He was there when I walk home.
He was just there all the time.
He was quiet and kind.
I never felt threatened being near him.
My disposition was to ignore him. I guess I knew I did not like him not for any other reason other than he's not my type.
Maybe I should have given him an award for persistence though.

When I was twelve, I also knew what I wanted (or who I wanted).
I met my first crush in church.
I was about to graduate from elementary and he was in college.
His charming smile made me look forward to Sundays.
It was a bad reason to want to go to church but I did pray and listened to the sermon.
I really liked him since I listened repeatedly to my favorite love song until I got the entire lyrics on paper.
I folded it (Origami style) and gave it to him in person (wow! was I creatively bold!).
But, It was not time to pursue this path so I busied myself with school.

What is the point of knowing what you want and do not want?
It’s discovering and building who you are as a person so you can bare yourself to the world without qualm.

Puncher!

It's 2:30 in the afternoon and I'm busy trying to find a good show on television from four channels .
I had my cable connection cut since the cost is a rip-off considering that the reception is not clear from excessive main line tapping .
I was interrupted by a knock and then another seemingly urgent knock.
It's troublesome (borrowing from Shikamaru's line) standing up since I'm on a bum mode.
I thought maybe its the guy delivering the water bill.
I opened the door and peering at me was my neighbor's daughter.
I smiled and said hello!
She looked at me with hopeful eyes and said "ate... mmm...pwede po pahiram ng puncher?"
I racked my brain to picture a Puncher...Puncher?...Puncher!
Aaah! It's that thing used to make two holes on paper so a bunch of papers can be held by a fastener.
I looked into my box of school supplies to find five staplers big and small, a glue gun, loads of scotch tape, and a ruler.
So I said I'm sorry I don't have any puncher.
She said with a disappointed tone "aah cge po"!
I sensed a feeling of confusion on her part about why I don't have a puncher.

This got me thinking.
Was my neighbor's daughter just exploring the possibility that maybe I have a puncher.
Does she see me as a person with a puncher.
Do I look like a person with a puncher?
I never considered myself or expressed myself as a person with a puncher.
I never even thought of a puncher since eight years ago.

I thought I was exerting too much effort thinking about it and went back to my four channels. Some things can just get you thinking hard!

Sweet Release

No matter how hard we try to avoid it, crap happens.
Things happen that we do not expect or intend.
These make us feel bad, sad, disappointed or frustrated.
But the thing is, these things eventually end.
We can digest the experience and flush out unnecessary baggage.

Shit happens when we take in too much or none at all.
We get constipation for taking more than we can manage.
Our digestive system could crash giving us that cramped feeling.
We could also get LBM by not taking anything at all or mixing conflicting food elements.
Digestive juices end up making a runny muck that we bring out with pain, discomfort and a big mess.

The thing is, we learn from the process.
Eventually we get the balance of the right amount of food and food elements.
We create that soft but firm shit that we can sweetly release while humming our favorite tune.
We can wipe out our asses, stand up, and enjoy that light feeling after release.
Then we can have a fresh start.

Mr. Shade

I walk two blocks to where I could get a ride to work.

In the second block, I glimpsed this tall guy from a distance.

There’s just something about tall guys that get to me.

I could tell he had a good physique.

He was walking tall and straight.

A smile forms in my face as I see the distance between us closing.

Beads of sweat started to stream down the side of my face and the back of my neck.

I drew a deep breath in anticipation of being near him.

As he passed by, he blocked the sun from my face.

I was in his shadow for a moment.

It was just sheer pleasure being in the shade for even just three seconds.

I forgot to bring my umbrella.

Even after living in Manila for seven years, I just can’t take the heat.

Postscript: He was fair. He had kind eyes. He smelled nice.

Paranoia!!!???

Something's bugging me.

It's eating me up.

I just can't pinpoint it.

I know it's there.

I can't shake it off.

It's making me uncomfortable.

2 Years, 5 Months and 25 Days Later

I met you in the virtual world.
We chatted in our spare time and exchanged personalized letters.
You came to me in the real world and you and I became us.
We shared our love and our lives even if we were separated by a six-hour bus ride.

You were not wealthy and that’s ok.
I was proud of your good education and the job you loved.
You were an inch shorter than me and that’s ok too.
I had too many curves on me anyway.
You had your habits and flaws.
I have my weaknesses and shortcomings.

I never expected you to be perfect even if everybody thinks you are.
I myself am not perfect.
I never expected you to give up your favorite MMORPG game.
I joined you in the game.
I appreciated your weekly bus ride to come to me.
I shortened the distance to a one-hour bus ride and came to you.
You were concerned about my safety and security.
I stopped my activism and advocacy.
You cared about my morality.
I became an inactive member of my sorority.
You expected me to care for you.
I tried to domesticate myself.

I put my complete trust in you.
I only expected your fidelity.
You be only mine as I am only yours.
I valued this in our relationship.
You were aware of this.

I guess my one expectation was too much to meet.

I felt the pain.
I pushed you away.
You just gave up.

I lost my trust in you.
I lost my love for you.
I lost all hope of us.

At least I still have myself or what’s left of me.

The pain has healed.
I’m moving forward.

I am at peace.
I gained my faith.
I have high hopes.

---&--@

Guilty Parent Syndrome

This follows my previous post on parental absenteeism.

Full time work especially for single parents mean that they have limited time for the family. The need to continue employment or get a promotion further lessens quality time with the family. Parents in this situation tend to develop guilt feelings, particularly towards their children. Since they have the money but not the time, the expression of guilt is through material purchases and gifts to children.

While material things may provide short-term pleasure and ease the strain between parents and children, this does not address the guilt of parents or support family cohesiveness in the long-term. Except when the material thing is a need, children quickly get tired of these things because of the recognition that there would be new things and there is also a limit to the financial ability of parents to provide the material things, of a high enough value, to compensate for the growing guilt.

With scarce time, creativity could lead to quality bonding sessions. Simple open conversations during mealtime or gestures and expressions of care when everybody meets at home goes a long way. Even sharing funny moments and laughing together does much good (everything lightens up when I hear my mom laugh out loud, which is a rare treat).

This is not an absolute solution and the situation is always complex with each family member trying to deal with personal issues and issues with parents and family members but its a practical step to ease that guilt and save the money for more important needs.

Parental Absenteeism

I vividly remember a newspaper article I read about 'parental absenteeism', which is the frequent absence of parents in the growing up years of their children because of work and other reasons but mostly because of work. The title was 'Parental Absenteeism' in large fonts. Below the title was a picture of a family with a child in the middle holding on to the hands of each parent. The child's face was somber, seemingly alone, and the parents were mere faceless outlines.

I remember it well because for a time, I thought that was me. I belong to a dysfunctional family since my parents separated when I was five years old. As a single parent, my mom had to find work and employment opportunities brought her to Manila while we (I have two siblings) were left under the care of my aunt in Baguio City. I have to admit that growing up in that unconventional situation was difficult and I have my bouts of rebellion. I used to sit outside on a stool at night hoping that the cold would take me (I didn't realize it back then but I had my dramatic moments).

As a response to my perception of being neglected, I used to evade talking to my mom or sulk in the room. I know my mom observed this and I know she feels guilt in leaving us with relatives for five days a week. She works in Manila on weekdays and comes home during the weekends. It is only now that I realized how difficult that was for her.

Now, as an independent and single working woman, I believe I have made peace with my roots, especially with my mom. I appreciate that she is one of the small number of people that understand by eccentricities and one who I can talk to about anything from political issues to the latest showbiz buzz.

Parental absenteeism has achieved a deeper meaning for me. This is not just about parents leaving their children to work but it is also a social reality that shapes people's lives and that families have to contend with. I have no absolute solution in this situation but communication is the key. Don't follow my example of sulking and not speaking to my mom because this is non-productive and even largely self-destructive.

Hail to all the single working parents! I salute your strength and courage!

Middle Child Syndrome

I am a middle child and loving it.

Contrary to theories in psychology explaining that middle children tend to be insecure and self-conscious because they do not experience the same level of attention as the first- born child and the last-born child, being a middle born child has an upside.

One, middle born children do not experience the same pressures placed upon the first- born child. In most cultures, the first-born child feels the pressure to finish school and take control of the family business or manage any other affairs of the business. Middle born children do not feel the pressure and often given the choice to be whatever and whoever they want to become.

Another, middle born children do not experience excessive pampering to the extent that they become too dependent on their parents, whether willingly or unwillingly. Middle born children experience moderate discipline and freedom resulting to a more or less disposition towards self-accountability.

I grew up well. I had my own bouts of rebellion as everybody else did. But, I am happy with what I have become, which I owe to how I was raised. : )