Baring Myself---%--@

Looking back, I had a good sense of what I want and did not want.
I don't know how I came to know, I just knew.

When I was eight, I had a very good idea of what I wanted to do.
I wanted to die.
I just wanted to die.
Those were the years of discontent and frustration.
I realized then that my father left us for good.
Life was f------ hard.
I used to sit on a wooden bench outside the house at sundown wishing for the cold wind to just freeze me to death and make a beautiful monument of me.
I was determined to die in December when the temperature drops down to 7 degrees.
I would sit there for hours until I realized the weather was not cold enough to do this.

When I was ten, I also had a clear idea of what I did not want (or who I did not want).
There was this persistent boy.
He would follow my friends and me during recess to wherever we set off to.
He was there during lunchtime.
He was there when we play after classes.
He was there when I walk home.
He was just there all the time.
He was quiet and kind.
I never felt threatened being near him.
My disposition was to ignore him. I guess I knew I did not like him not for any other reason other than he's not my type.
Maybe I should have given him an award for persistence though.

When I was twelve, I also knew what I wanted (or who I wanted).
I met my first crush in church.
I was about to graduate from elementary and he was in college.
His charming smile made me look forward to Sundays.
It was a bad reason to want to go to church but I did pray and listened to the sermon.
I really liked him since I listened repeatedly to my favorite love song until I got the entire lyrics on paper.
I folded it (Origami style) and gave it to him in person (wow! was I creatively bold!).
But, It was not time to pursue this path so I busied myself with school.

What is the point of knowing what you want and do not want?
It’s discovering and building who you are as a person so you can bare yourself to the world without qualm.