Mr. Shade

I walk two blocks to where I could get a ride to work.

In the second block, I glimpsed this tall guy from a distance.

There’s just something about tall guys that get to me.

I could tell he had a good physique.

He was walking tall and straight.

A smile forms in my face as I see the distance between us closing.

Beads of sweat started to stream down the side of my face and the back of my neck.

I drew a deep breath in anticipation of being near him.

As he passed by, he blocked the sun from my face.

I was in his shadow for a moment.

It was just sheer pleasure being in the shade for even just three seconds.

I forgot to bring my umbrella.

Even after living in Manila for seven years, I just can’t take the heat.

Postscript: He was fair. He had kind eyes. He smelled nice.

Paranoia!!!???

Something's bugging me.

It's eating me up.

I just can't pinpoint it.

I know it's there.

I can't shake it off.

It's making me uncomfortable.

2 Years, 5 Months and 25 Days Later

I met you in the virtual world.
We chatted in our spare time and exchanged personalized letters.
You came to me in the real world and you and I became us.
We shared our love and our lives even if we were separated by a six-hour bus ride.

You were not wealthy and that’s ok.
I was proud of your good education and the job you loved.
You were an inch shorter than me and that’s ok too.
I had too many curves on me anyway.
You had your habits and flaws.
I have my weaknesses and shortcomings.

I never expected you to be perfect even if everybody thinks you are.
I myself am not perfect.
I never expected you to give up your favorite MMORPG game.
I joined you in the game.
I appreciated your weekly bus ride to come to me.
I shortened the distance to a one-hour bus ride and came to you.
You were concerned about my safety and security.
I stopped my activism and advocacy.
You cared about my morality.
I became an inactive member of my sorority.
You expected me to care for you.
I tried to domesticate myself.

I put my complete trust in you.
I only expected your fidelity.
You be only mine as I am only yours.
I valued this in our relationship.
You were aware of this.

I guess my one expectation was too much to meet.

I felt the pain.
I pushed you away.
You just gave up.

I lost my trust in you.
I lost my love for you.
I lost all hope of us.

At least I still have myself or what’s left of me.

The pain has healed.
I’m moving forward.

I am at peace.
I gained my faith.
I have high hopes.

---&--@

Guilty Parent Syndrome

This follows my previous post on parental absenteeism.

Full time work especially for single parents mean that they have limited time for the family. The need to continue employment or get a promotion further lessens quality time with the family. Parents in this situation tend to develop guilt feelings, particularly towards their children. Since they have the money but not the time, the expression of guilt is through material purchases and gifts to children.

While material things may provide short-term pleasure and ease the strain between parents and children, this does not address the guilt of parents or support family cohesiveness in the long-term. Except when the material thing is a need, children quickly get tired of these things because of the recognition that there would be new things and there is also a limit to the financial ability of parents to provide the material things, of a high enough value, to compensate for the growing guilt.

With scarce time, creativity could lead to quality bonding sessions. Simple open conversations during mealtime or gestures and expressions of care when everybody meets at home goes a long way. Even sharing funny moments and laughing together does much good (everything lightens up when I hear my mom laugh out loud, which is a rare treat).

This is not an absolute solution and the situation is always complex with each family member trying to deal with personal issues and issues with parents and family members but its a practical step to ease that guilt and save the money for more important needs.

Parental Absenteeism

I vividly remember a newspaper article I read about 'parental absenteeism', which is the frequent absence of parents in the growing up years of their children because of work and other reasons but mostly because of work. The title was 'Parental Absenteeism' in large fonts. Below the title was a picture of a family with a child in the middle holding on to the hands of each parent. The child's face was somber, seemingly alone, and the parents were mere faceless outlines.

I remember it well because for a time, I thought that was me. I belong to a dysfunctional family since my parents separated when I was five years old. As a single parent, my mom had to find work and employment opportunities brought her to Manila while we (I have two siblings) were left under the care of my aunt in Baguio City. I have to admit that growing up in that unconventional situation was difficult and I have my bouts of rebellion. I used to sit outside on a stool at night hoping that the cold would take me (I didn't realize it back then but I had my dramatic moments).

As a response to my perception of being neglected, I used to evade talking to my mom or sulk in the room. I know my mom observed this and I know she feels guilt in leaving us with relatives for five days a week. She works in Manila on weekdays and comes home during the weekends. It is only now that I realized how difficult that was for her.

Now, as an independent and single working woman, I believe I have made peace with my roots, especially with my mom. I appreciate that she is one of the small number of people that understand by eccentricities and one who I can talk to about anything from political issues to the latest showbiz buzz.

Parental absenteeism has achieved a deeper meaning for me. This is not just about parents leaving their children to work but it is also a social reality that shapes people's lives and that families have to contend with. I have no absolute solution in this situation but communication is the key. Don't follow my example of sulking and not speaking to my mom because this is non-productive and even largely self-destructive.

Hail to all the single working parents! I salute your strength and courage!

Middle Child Syndrome

I am a middle child and loving it.

Contrary to theories in psychology explaining that middle children tend to be insecure and self-conscious because they do not experience the same level of attention as the first- born child and the last-born child, being a middle born child has an upside.

One, middle born children do not experience the same pressures placed upon the first- born child. In most cultures, the first-born child feels the pressure to finish school and take control of the family business or manage any other affairs of the business. Middle born children do not feel the pressure and often given the choice to be whatever and whoever they want to become.

Another, middle born children do not experience excessive pampering to the extent that they become too dependent on their parents, whether willingly or unwillingly. Middle born children experience moderate discipline and freedom resulting to a more or less disposition towards self-accountability.

I grew up well. I had my own bouts of rebellion as everybody else did. But, I am happy with what I have become, which I owe to how I was raised. : )

Parallelism of Weddings and Wakes

	Wedding	Wake
Economic Purpose	Basically an Economic Union of two bank accounts	Basically consists of the pooling of all the family’s (conjugal and extended) resources to meet the expenses and provide the surviving family with money especially if the deceased is the only income earner
Costly	An ok wedding in the city would cost not less than 50,000 pesos (catering, cake, gown rental, car rental, tokens, etc.) Of course, you can have a wedding for a lesser cost but it would take the cooperation and skills of your entire clan to do the cooking, gown tailoring and other preparations.	A descent wake and burial would also cost not less than 50,000 pesos (casket not made out of mere thin wood with varnishing and a little design or trimmings, payment at the funeral home) A wake and burial could also cost less but the cheapest commercially produced casket costs 5,000 pesos and the family should have room in the house for the wake
Social Purpose	The ceremony and the reception draw family members, friends, workmates, neighbors, politicians and even strangers to join the festivities.	The wake and burial draw relatives, friends and foe, creditors, politicians, gamblers, and strangers to achieve their specific interests.
All About Appearances	Often (more than we dare to accept), weddings are done to save face, gain honor, merge with a wealthier family, or for convenience.	Wakes occur and often prolonged to gain as much money from hosting gambling operations or to draw pity and receive help.
Highly Commercialized	The heightened commercialization of weddings has made wedding businesses a booming sector.	Even wakes now have themes, much like a birthday party, and have become a show of economic status.
Highly Evolved Representations	Weddings no longer have a strong bearing on family building and God-centered lifestyle.	Wakes have transcended the purpose of grieving, acceptance and letting go to become interest-centered activities.
The point really is that these reflect how we have become as a society. If you do not agree with me then prove me wrong. I would very much like to know that what I have mentioned are the exceptions and not the general rules.