2 Years, 5 Months and 25 Days Later

I met you in the virtual world.
We chatted in our spare time and exchanged personalized letters.
You came to me in the real world and you and I became us.
We shared our love and our lives even if we were separated by a six-hour bus ride.

You were not wealthy and that’s ok.
I was proud of your good education and the job you loved.
You were an inch shorter than me and that’s ok too.
I had too many curves on me anyway.
You had your habits and flaws.
I have my weaknesses and shortcomings.

I never expected you to be perfect even if everybody thinks you are.
I myself am not perfect.
I never expected you to give up your favorite MMORPG game.
I joined you in the game.
I appreciated your weekly bus ride to come to me.
I shortened the distance to a one-hour bus ride and came to you.
You were concerned about my safety and security.
I stopped my activism and advocacy.
You cared about my morality.
I became an inactive member of my sorority.
You expected me to care for you.
I tried to domesticate myself.

I put my complete trust in you.
I only expected your fidelity.
You be only mine as I am only yours.
I valued this in our relationship.
You were aware of this.

I guess my one expectation was too much to meet.

I felt the pain.
I pushed you away.
You just gave up.

I lost my trust in you.
I lost my love for you.
I lost all hope of us.

At least I still have myself or what’s left of me.

The pain has healed.
I’m moving forward.

I am at peace.
I gained my faith.
I have high hopes.

---&--@

Guilty Parent Syndrome

This follows my previous post on parental absenteeism.

Full time work especially for single parents mean that they have limited time for the family. The need to continue employment or get a promotion further lessens quality time with the family. Parents in this situation tend to develop guilt feelings, particularly towards their children. Since they have the money but not the time, the expression of guilt is through material purchases and gifts to children.

While material things may provide short-term pleasure and ease the strain between parents and children, this does not address the guilt of parents or support family cohesiveness in the long-term. Except when the material thing is a need, children quickly get tired of these things because of the recognition that there would be new things and there is also a limit to the financial ability of parents to provide the material things, of a high enough value, to compensate for the growing guilt.

With scarce time, creativity could lead to quality bonding sessions. Simple open conversations during mealtime or gestures and expressions of care when everybody meets at home goes a long way. Even sharing funny moments and laughing together does much good (everything lightens up when I hear my mom laugh out loud, which is a rare treat).

This is not an absolute solution and the situation is always complex with each family member trying to deal with personal issues and issues with parents and family members but its a practical step to ease that guilt and save the money for more important needs.

Parental Absenteeism

I vividly remember a newspaper article I read about 'parental absenteeism', which is the frequent absence of parents in the growing up years of their children because of work and other reasons but mostly because of work. The title was 'Parental Absenteeism' in large fonts. Below the title was a picture of a family with a child in the middle holding on to the hands of each parent. The child's face was somber, seemingly alone, and the parents were mere faceless outlines.

I remember it well because for a time, I thought that was me. I belong to a dysfunctional family since my parents separated when I was five years old. As a single parent, my mom had to find work and employment opportunities brought her to Manila while we (I have two siblings) were left under the care of my aunt in Baguio City. I have to admit that growing up in that unconventional situation was difficult and I have my bouts of rebellion. I used to sit outside on a stool at night hoping that the cold would take me (I didn't realize it back then but I had my dramatic moments).

As a response to my perception of being neglected, I used to evade talking to my mom or sulk in the room. I know my mom observed this and I know she feels guilt in leaving us with relatives for five days a week. She works in Manila on weekdays and comes home during the weekends. It is only now that I realized how difficult that was for her.

Now, as an independent and single working woman, I believe I have made peace with my roots, especially with my mom. I appreciate that she is one of the small number of people that understand by eccentricities and one who I can talk to about anything from political issues to the latest showbiz buzz.

Parental absenteeism has achieved a deeper meaning for me. This is not just about parents leaving their children to work but it is also a social reality that shapes people's lives and that families have to contend with. I have no absolute solution in this situation but communication is the key. Don't follow my example of sulking and not speaking to my mom because this is non-productive and even largely self-destructive.

Hail to all the single working parents! I salute your strength and courage!