Note: based on facts, imagination, delusion, hallucination, psychological drama, and impulse
She smiled her usual tight-lipped smile as she listened to his worries. She thought to herself that he worried too much about her being alone. He was going on and on about expanding her social circle and going out more as if her situation was a serious illness that required an immediate cure. She just listened, but the question lingered in her mind, "why was he so concerned?". One thought is, maybe he is making himself unnecessarily responsible for her predicament. If he was dwelling on the last conversation about the possibility of her developing emotional attachment to him, then maybe he wanted her to find somebody for that emotional attachment when they both knew that they can be nothing more than friends. Maybe it occurred to him that her focus on him was hurting her chances of finding a fitting someone. He was always guarded the past weeks, always conscious about his words and actions towards her so as not to make her have any false hopes. She had told him that this was no longer an issue. She had already handled the situation. That he need not think about it anymore but still, maybe it was not enough explanation for him as it was for her. She wanted his company not for anything more than to have an open conversation. She was an open book around him. To ask more would be too abusive already. Another thought crossed her mind, maybe he was just excited about his new-found social network at work and he wanted her to experience that same excitement. This was just like him, to be sensitive about her well-being. That was one of things that she liked about him.
She sighed in resignation to his bantering and just said "fine." She was trying hard to find an easy explanation for him to stop his worries. The idea of being alone is so alien to most people that a conscious decision to be alone for a lifetime, at least in the area of romantic relations, is just so impossible to fathom. She was thinking along the line of explaining the difference between "alone" and "lonely" and that she was alone but not lonely. She was bored and not sad. She smiled a little knowing that even at the start of the explanation he would say "you're being too serious again!". She would stop explaining since there was just no way to explain this in a simple manner. They would shift to another lighter topic and leave the previous topic hanging.
The conversations always ended like that. His wishes for her to be happy and her expressions of gratitude and wish that he would do the same. She genuinely wished him well. He is such a great friend in so many ways. Maybe in more ways than her gratitude can express. It was thanks to him that the former empty shell is starting to awaken those ancient emotions. She already had something to share, at least, if he finally succeeds in pushing her out of her comfort zone. She thought, maybe it was time to heed his advice and go look for somebody sane enough to want to be a willing host for her emotional attachment. This was easier anyway than trying to explain such complicated things.
Bakit nga ba hindi ako botante?
4 weeks ago