Thank You

Note: based on facts, imagination, delusion, hallucination, psychological drama, and impulse

She smiled her usual tight-lipped smile as she listened to his worries. She thought to herself that he worried too much about her being alone. He was going on and on about expanding her social circle and going out more as if her situation was a serious illness that required an immediate cure. She just listened, but the question lingered in her mind, "why was he so concerned?". One thought is, maybe he is making himself unnecessarily responsible for her predicament. If he was dwelling on the last conversation about the possibility of her developing emotional attachment to him, then maybe he wanted her to find somebody for that emotional attachment when they both knew that they can be nothing more than friends. Maybe it occurred to him that her focus on him was hurting her chances of finding a fitting someone. He was always guarded the past weeks, always conscious about his words and actions towards her so as not to make her have any false hopes. She had told him that this was no longer an issue. She had already handled the situation. That he need not think about it anymore but still, maybe it was not enough explanation for him as it was for her. She wanted his company not for anything more than to have an open conversation. She was an open book around him. To ask more would be too abusive already. Another thought crossed her mind, maybe he was just excited about his new-found social network at work and he wanted her to experience that same excitement. This was just like him, to be sensitive about her well-being. That was one of things that she liked about him.

She sighed in resignation to his bantering and just said "fine." She was trying hard to find an easy explanation for him to stop his worries. The idea of being alone is so alien to most people that a conscious decision to be alone for a lifetime, at least in the area of romantic relations, is just so impossible to fathom. She was thinking along the line of explaining the difference between "alone" and "lonely" and that she was alone but not lonely. She was bored and not sad. She smiled a little knowing that even at the start of the explanation he would say "you're being too serious again!". She would stop explaining since there was just no way to explain this in a simple manner. They would shift to another lighter topic and leave the previous topic hanging.

The conversations always ended like that. His wishes for her to be happy and her expressions of gratitude and wish that he would do the same. She genuinely wished him well. He is such a great friend in so many ways. Maybe in more ways than her gratitude can express. It was thanks to him that the former empty shell is starting to awaken those ancient emotions. She already had something to share, at least, if he finally succeeds in pushing her out of her comfort zone. She thought, maybe it was time to heed his advice and go look for somebody sane enough to want to be a willing host for her emotional attachment. This was easier anyway than trying to explain such complicated things.

Hair Trouble

A quote says "a woman's crowning glory is her hair". What does that even mean? I have unmanageable hair. Does that mean I have no glory. Perhaps I have disheveled glory.
Regardless, I made the effort to keep my mane under control. I have straight and fine hair but growing hair defy the law of gravity. Two to three inches of newly grown hair shoot out in every direction like weeds. I've had this since I was younger so it does not bother me that much anymore. But in the interest of public service, I know I still have to make my hair presentable.

Here are the things I tried that did not work:

1. Combs
Round Brush, Rectangular Brush, Cheap Brush, Expensive Brush
Fine-tooth Comb, Wide-tooth Comb, Ordinary Comb, Cheap Comb, Expensive Comb

2. Devices & Implements
Hair Dryer (works until the wind blows)
Hair Iron (does not reach the roots)

3. Shampoo & Conditioner
All brands from Unilever, Proctor & Gamble, Colgate-Palmolive
Other Local Brands
Imported brands
Plain Shampoo
Shampoo with a separate conditioner
Shampoo and conditioner combined

4. Other Hair Products
Gels
Hair Wax
Pomade (eeew)

5. Hair Treatments
Hot oil
Hair Spa
Rebond (I wish I spent the money on clothes instead)

6. Hair Accessories (to hide the situation)
Hairband
Clips
Hairpin
Cap

7. Hair Cut
Long (up to my waist with the hope that the weight would bring down standing hair)
Boyish Haircut
Ear Length
Shoulder Length
Layered
Straight

8. Hair Style
Hair Parted in the Middle
Hair Parted to the Side
Braids
Ponytail
Semi-ponytail

Let's see, I haven't tried perming my hair or cutting it really short as in nearly skinhead. But I have yet to muster my courage to do these things.

Oh, I just thought of another option. Why not make Einstein's hair the "in" thing. In that way my hair is in fashion and I don't have to do anything else. The Genius look! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Night

Every time I close my eyes, I am pulled into a void. I feel my consciousness sucked into a vortex of blackness pulling me inside. Whenever, I feel close to being engulfed by the darkness, I pull back. I fear that succumbing to the darkness may never bring me back to the light.

Afternoon

Such a confusing afternoon. It's inevitable if you're dealing with something new. The brain stops for a while after realizing lack of familiarity with the thing. Staring at the thing for a long time builds some familiarity and then the brain starts working again to identify what to do with the thing. There are different interpretations and options to chose from. One seems viable and then you consider the thing again and it does not seem right and then another option appears. The process goes back to stop and stare.

The weather also sided with me. The sun was brightly shining. Then strong rains fell. Clouds covered the sun but the rain stops abruptly. The sun peeks out again. Then it was shining and raining at the same time. Even nature is confused about what to do. Global warming is taking its toll.

Morning

I usually wake up to the sound of my mobile phone alarm. That sound marks the start of my pretty much routine daily schedule. It bores me sometimes...well most of the time now. I'm surprised I haven't died from boredom yet. I always considered myself a free spirit and being tied down to this boring routine is just plain unsatisfying. It frustrates me sometimes and it takes effort to restrain myself and think rationally. I dream of breaking through the barriers of what I can do, the places I can be, the person I can become...to realize more than what is expected of me. But I am tied down to this routine. I guess other things have to wait for a while. (sigh!) I hope I don't get too impatient though. It is not only for myself that I am tied to a routine. It's also for the people I love.

Today is a different day. I know. I woke up to a pleasant sound. It was a piano rendition of Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting. It was Jake practicing his piano upstairs. The bright sun was already peeking inside my room. I loathed the heat of global warming and smug but I love the sun. I am a Leo after all. I listened to the piano for a while until it stopped. The air was also getting warm. It's time to get up. I have work to do. But waking up is much harder to do when I slept late. I usually don't sleep late. I value my sleep and I rarely sacrifice sleep. I had not realized the time until I felt the air getting gold and I realized it was already 2 in the morning so off to sleep then.

My sister's new hobby or as she puts it "new indulgence" is reading books. She mentioned Twilight Saga to me by Stephenie Meyer as the "in" book but she could not find a softbound copy in Baguio. I was off to the mall on Saturday so I picked up a copy of the first book Twilight for her. My first impression was of a teenybopper love story but it was about vampires. There's something about vampires that fascinated me and although I knew that vampires in movies would probably not come close to the real thing, I still watch vampire movies. I had work to do so I left the book on the couch and faced my computer.

After finishing work in the afternoon, my eyes were dry and I needed to rest from exposure to much radiation. I closed the computer, took a bite, and bathed. After that, I settled on the couch to watch but I was bored with the predictable story lines so I started the book. What do you know, I was still reading until 2 am. I won't get into the details of the book but I was engrossed in the open and sincere conversations. It was as if the fictional characters were real. I just know I have to buy the sequel.

Its one of those great mornings for me. I hope it ends well.

Music Collaborations

I'm a fan of music collaborations. No matter what the genre is, the result always turns out to be a treat for music lovers. I have three favorites.

1. Greenday/Oasis/Travis/Aerosmith/Eminem

The group fused Boulevard of Broken Dreams of Greenday and Wonderwall of Oasis. Although there was an issue between Greenday and Oasis, with Noel Gallagher of Oasis accusing Greenday of stealing the arrangement of Wonderwall for the collaboration, the result was great. By the way this form of collaboration is called "mashup" that combines music with the acapella of other artists.

This caught my ear because these are my favorite bands/artist. The arrangement and beat is artistically unique, which is the mark of timeless music. For me, the music should sound great before I take interest in the lyrics or the artist. Hey its rock, need I say more! You have to listen to this to understand what I mean.

2. U2/Mary J. Blige

U2 and May J. Blige sang U2's One in a fundraising concert for the benefit of the people affected by Hurricane Katrina. As always these artists, who are staunch advocates for social awareness, delivered a moving performance. Mary J. Blige's strong voice complemented Bono's soothing voice. U2's lyrics for One reflected mounting global issues (AIDS, poverty, natural calamities, civil strife) and the solution is love.

Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is the higher law

3. Mariah Carey/Beyonce/ Mary J. Blige/ Rihanna/ Fergie/ Sheryl Crow/ Melissa Etheridge/ Natasha Bedingfield/ Miley Cyrus/ Leona Lewis/Carrie Underwood/ Keyshia Cole/LeAnn Rimes/Ashanti/Ciara

The group released Just Stand Up as the artists' contribution to the Stand Up to Cancer telethon to raise the people's awareness of cancer as well as raise funds and give moral support for those bravely fighting cancer patients who may not have money for treatment or social support. Two striking phrases are:

Everything will be alright, yeah
The heart is stronger than you think
Like it can go through anything
And even when you think it can’t it finds a way to still push on, though

If the mind keeps thinking you’ve had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don’t give up
Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what, don’t give up
Through it all, just stand up

The song brought together artists from the pop, R&B, rock and country genres. The result is an invigorating, relaxing and uplifting music. I love it! This relieves stress!

Listless

I know I'll totally get over it in time. That's a certainty. But that stinging emotion hits me once in a while. It wavers my direction and focus. But its all part of the process of shedding. I just have to bear it until it passes.

Its been a while since I freed myself of the illusion. To let go without looking back. Move ahead without regret. Knowing it will be for the best. All will be well. I will find my place.

It was not at all easy. Pain is a heavy burden to carry. Loss crashes down on you. Frustration creeps up.

Rationale withers somehow but reality always catches up. There is no point in holding on to something borrowed. It will only be a matter of time before its return. Persistence would just lead to waste. Waste of one's self.

I have not lived enough. There's no point in wasting myself. I'm standing up and moving forward. Despite the pull, I will never look back.